'Pretzel Dogs' Are Now 'Pretzel Sausages'. Now That Auntie Anne's Hot 'Dog' Issue is Over, Here Are 5 Doggone Confusing Food Items That Need to Be Renamed in Malaysia

How do I know if lady fingers isn't just a type of vegetable but an actual appendage? Is the French in my fries permissible? Who's the Belgian in my waffle?

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'Pretzel Dogs' Are Now 'Pretzel Sausages'. Now That Auntie Anne's Hot 'Dog' Issue is Over, Here Are 5 Doggone Confusing Food Items That Need to Be Renamed in Malaysia
After 10 years of serving us harmfully-named pretzels, Auntie Anne's reign of tyranny has finally come to an end. The 'pretzel dog' is finally going to be renamed 'pretzel sausage'. Not many know this, but that's the actual reason why there's always a line in front of Auntie Anne's. Every day, there's a newly confused person who is shocked that an unclean animal is served along with their pretzels in the pretzel dog. Many have suffered in silence as they've wrestled with the thought that they might have consumed an actual dog in the process of eating a sausage. 

The revelation was brought to light by Sirajuddin Suhaimee, director of the halal division from the Department of Islamic Development, who said, "Any (halal) products that make consumers confused, we have to change,” he said.

In Islam, dogs are considered unclean and the name cannot be related to halal certification. He says that he is aware that many outlets sell these halal sausages masquerading as unclean hot dogs and checks are being made "step-by-step". Public ridicule have been rife but he has taken a "la-la-la not listening" approach that seems to be working. 

We thought this was an amazing step in the right direction given that our country has been embroiled with political scandals and a little positive change was needed. In that effort, we've thought of five other things that cause daily confusion among the rakyat and should be ammended right away, starting with the most grevious of all: 

1. Root Beer = Root Juice
Originating from the root beer tree sassafras albidum, the soda is consumed every day by children and is often topped with ice cream. How do we teach children to avoid beer when such a delicious drink is openly advertised as beer? It should be renamed Root Juice to give it a healthier spin. Root Juice Float is a non-confusing product that's fit for the whole family. 

2. Air Mata Kucing = Herbal Tea With Longan
This one is confusing on two levels: Is it tears from a cat's eyes? Or is it water from an eye of a cat? Either way, it's inhumane and it should be changed to something more appealing for tourists who come to our country. We're not going to even mention that its main ingredient, loh hon kor, is translated into English as 'Buddha's fruit' or 'monk fruit'. Now that would just open up a can of worms. 

3. Beef Bacon = Beef Not Bacon

That's definitely not bacon. It's totally beef. (
Oxford Dictionaries define 'bacon' as cured meat from the back or sides of a pig. Now how can that word even exist on the menu? To make it 100% infallible, we should make sure people know its beef not bacon. So beef not bacon. 

4. Roti Boom = Roti Balloon
You know... explosions... terrorism... bombs. It's all bad. It's bad, very bad. Just, no... but balloons! Woo! That reminds us of kids' birthday parties, weddings, games, flight, air pressure... Roti Balloon is good. 

5. Otak Otak = Fish Cake Paste In Banana Leaf
First, we have a roti that has explosive connotations, now we're outrightly calling a dish 'brain brain'?! How has this madness been tolerated for all these years?! It's made with fish meat, tapioca starch, and spices, and the product does resemble gooey flesh but it's in bad taste. How are we going to compete on a global level when our dishes have an unsavoury name like brains? 

Bonus: Hush Puppies = Hush Shoes

How are we to know we're not walking around on comfortable baby dogs all day? Only you can stop this madness. Raise up these names to your local dignitary and make a change today. Stop the confusion for the good of the nation. Don't be distracted by talks of a raise in GST, massive corruption in Sabah, and unfair redelineation. Focus on what matters. 

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