Our resident disher of questionable advice makes his long overdue return.
If you aren't already familiar with his previous work, you can read it HERE
. This time, he focuses on what he feels EVERY Malaysian driver needs to start practicing if they aren’t already:
1) Ignore All Yellow Boxes
You know that weird yellow box, often with an “X” in the middle that’s found outside residences, office buildings and after traffic lights? No? If you’ve not seen ‘em or paid any attention to them, then you’re a stellar driver.
To those inconsiderate ones who have, could you guys please keep your eyes glued to the traffic jam on the opposite lane or your phone instead please?
If you must know, those weird yellow boxes can be tracked back to the early 60’s, when a group of huge X-men fans decided to pledge their loyalty to Charles Xavier and Stan Lee by going around town trying to organise recruitment drives for the School for Gifted Youngsters.
The yellow boxes you see were assembly points. They used permanent paint, which is why they’re still visible to this very day.
2) Always Find A Gap, Squeeze Through
Why else are our roads spacious? Heck, if one lane could actually fit two cars, with just minor scratches at most, why not share? Why would you want to go against all the values that you were raised to practice?
And no, it doesn’t matter if your lane is on the far right. If there is a gap on the far left, just cut in there and then abruptly (yet politely) cut in front of those who have been queuing up like mindless conformists and then make your way to your intended lane.
There is absolutely no reason to be concerned if you’re blocking people who are on their correct lane, the honking is mere acknowledgment and a sign of respect thrown your way for your high level of ingenuity.
3) Yellow Lights Are Meant To Test Your Acceleration
There are only two colours to pay attention to on the road. Green, and depending on your knowledge of colour hues, #27e833.
Red means “stop if you want to” and yellow, on the other hand, was just something that was added because collectively, it would share similarities to the Rastafarian movement colours.
It was just a very cleverly thought of global prank by stoners in higher positions, so the next time you see the yellow light, put your acceleration to the test and step on it.
4) Come Out Of Corners Without Looking
The person who is always right on the road, is the one behind the wheel. Remember that vital bit of information. So, when you’re coming out of corners or roads that connect to main roads, pay no attention to oncoming cars or God forbid, actually stop to let others go first.
We do not want to live in a world where people are starved out of putting their reflexes to the test. As it is, we have food delivery services, ride sharing apps and people are generally getting more and more lazy and less sharp.
Do your part in creating a more switched on, alert society by shooting out of corners unexpectedly. They’ll thank you later.
5) Pick Your Nose Like Nobody’s Watching
Many aren’t aware of this, but you know how near your interior door handle, most cars have this gap? That’s a booger bin.
Most car companies shy away from listing it as part of their features in pamphlets and all that, but that’s what it is for. Most car tinting also come with a special film that prevents people from seeing what you’re doing inside the car, so there’s absolutely no reason to be shy.
Research has shown that booger-picking while driving can reduce stress levels by 13% and can also prevent roadkill. Dig away, friends. Dig away.
6) Signal Left, But Go Right
Monotony can make things pretty… monotonous. Have fun a little while driving with those around you by being unpredictable. See that car over there, going slow because he’s letting you cut in based on your signal?
Let him wait, then when he gets tired and thinks you’ve “unknowingly” left the indicator on, swerve left! That flashing of headlights you see is just his way of going “Ohhh, you! You got me good, you did! Thanks for making my drive back to Setapak a little more exciting.”
7) Always ‘Cucuk’, Even When It’s A Crawl
Sometimes, all we need as humans is just a little push to give us that extra drive (pun highly intended).
Now imagine this, if you had a friend who is really good at drawing but there’s also this other friend who is ahead of him in terms of skills and perhaps experience. Would you not want to “push” him merely because there is someone already “in front” of him? No. What sort of friend would you be?
The same applies to driving on the fast lane. If there’s someone you see in front of you who’s clearly stuck behind a whole line of cars, that in no way should stop you from tailgating and in turn, giving that moral “cucuk
” that’ll either get him to move forth faster, or just get out of the way if he’s not ready to progress just yet.
8) If It Rains, Go Slow On The Fast Lane
When it rains, especially in Malaysia, the tyres and wipers of Continental, Japanese and other foreign cars are simply not made to withstand the weather.
For your safety and those around you, do not exceed 40km/h, and yes, this means even if you’re on the fast lane. You’ll notice that during massive downpours, only local cars like Proton and Perodua have the capability to go past 100km/h.
You’ll also notice that you’d eventually catch up to those said cars once they’re at the side of the road, completely unrecognisable.
9) Enter Smart Tag Lane, With No Smart Tag
Why call it a friggin’ “Smart” Tag if it’s not smart enough to read your Touch ‘n Go card? Do not use the word “smart” in vain, you guys. By entering a Smart Tag lane without owning one, often a siren goes off.
Once 326,500 sirens have accumulatively gone off in a year, in accordance to the Don’t Discriminate Lanes Act of 1996, toll booths will have no choice but to standardise ALL lanes to accommodate any form of payment – be it via Smart Tag, the Touch ‘n Go card or french fries.
So you’re doing all of us a favour, enter any lane as you please, fight for your rights! Currently, we’re on the 130,000 siren mark, so keep at it, everyone.
10) Trash It Out
Is there a dustbin in your car? In the years of technological advancements, have they ever introduced a bin (besides the booger bin) in any of the cars you guys currently drive? The answer is ‘no’ and there’s a simply and logical reason for that.
Rubbish Fairies! We all know Tooth fairies exist and one of their lesser known distant relatives is the Rubbish Fairy. Any empty cigarette box, can, tissue, candy wrappers and whatnot that you throw out your window are actually collected by them fortnightly.
Without your contribution, these fairies would be jobless and might probably resort to heavy drugs or alcohol abuse. Save the fairies, throw trash out of your cars today.